English Patient: Alumni

Sister S: Hi, are you international students?

2 girls: No, we graduated.  We are aluminum.

What A Sale!!!

Check out this amazing sale.  Like they say, a dollar saved is a dollar earned.

Limes

Setting: Someone gets water with lemon in it.

Brother J: These are OK, but I like limes better.

Brother B: They're the same fruit anyways.

Brother J: Huh?  What do you mean?

Brother B: Limes are just baby lemons.

Disgracepoint from East Coast: Floor Lambs

Another post from the East Coast...

Sister B's email:
Please pack those floor lambs by disassembling them and putting them in boxes.  4 of my floor lambs broke, because I moved them.  You need floor lambs here, as the homes here don't have light fixtures.  So most of them need floor lambs to plug in for lights.

A comment: It's pretty amazing that how many times sister B uses the word.  I think she really wanted to make it abundantly clear what she was talking about.

Disgracepoint from East Coast

With the new East Coast church plants happening, there's been a revival of submissions to disgracepoint.  I am thankful for the gift.  Here's a little something from Gracepoint DMV:

Email: Hi everyone, there is a little breakfast nuke area at the place, so you can bring a small table there for eating.

NOTE: By the way, this person is not talking about a microwave oven.

Confusing License Plate

English Patient: Street Name

Setting: English Patient Brother E is signing up for a Spotify account, and he runs into the form item asking for "Street Name".

Brother E: Street name?  Hmm.... People just call me by the same name.  So for me, my street name is the same as my real name..

* Brother E puts down his name on the street name and presses "Submit"*

Indian Patient: Tikka Masala

Friend: Hey, I really like Indian food.

Sister S: Yeah.  I really like Taj Mahal.

Friend: You mean tikka masala?

The Asian Girl from Harry Potter

Friend: What was the name of that Asian girl from Harry Potter?

Sister S: Chow Mein!

Friend: Nevermind.

Chow Mein

English Patient: SUV

Sister A: I want to buy a non-American car.

Friend: You should get a Hyundai Sonata, then.

Sister A: Well, that's a sedan, and I was thinking about getting a USB.

Mysterious Chinese Menu Item

We have no idea what the first 2 dishes are.

English Patient: Nasty Falafel

Sister X: Hey, what is this falafel made of?

Friend: I think it's chickpea.

Sister X: Oh sick!! Spit it out!

Making sure that there are no typos

Checklists are really crucial to make sure that there are no embarrassing mistakes.

Technology Patient: Wife

Sister S (Technology Patient): Hey, how is your wife?

Brother: What?  I'm not married.

Sister S: Sorry, how's your Wi-Fi internet?

English Patient: Amazing Food Places

Sister Y: Hey, in Pleasanton, there are these amazing restaurants in the palace.

Friend: There's a palace in Pleasanton?  Wait, do you mean plaza?

Tobasco

Setting: A father and son walking down the aisle of Safeway...

Son: Hey Daddy!  Remember how you said we ran out of tobacco?  Don't forget!  We need more tobacco!

English Patient: Blew a Gasket

Sister E: Oh no, did he blow a casket?

Friend: No, that would be cruel.

Trash-talking on the Whiteboard

This is a whiteboard that some elementary boys at Gracepoint Berkeley were using to trash-talk to each other.  Grammatical and spelling errors are just not the kinds of things that boys ridicule each other about.

Yoda's Rice Pot

Does Yoda come to Gracepoint?

English Patient: Sky Mountain Camp

Setting: A group of sisters are looking at pictures of the Sky Mountain Camp.

Friend: Look, here's the meadow that Pastor Ed was talking about.

Sister J: Where?  I don't see it.

Friend: (points to the obvious meadow in the picture) Here, the meadow.

Sister J: I really don't see it.  I thought it was big and beautiful and shiny.

Friend: What?

Sister J: The big metal.

English Patient: Wrong Wrong

Setting: A group of sisters are laughing at a comical sign below...

Friends: [laughing]

Sister X: Huh?  I don't get it.

Friends: You don't get it??  This means in a marriage, when there's an argument... the wife is always right and the other... 

Sister X: I don't get it.

Friends: What's the opposite of "right"?

Sister X: Left.

Friends: [silence]

Confusing Label

I have no idea how to make sense of this label.  This container contained soy sauce, but that seems to be beside the point.  What could possibly be inside the container which would make sense of this label?

English Patient: Hand Sanitizer

Brother T: Hey, can you pass me the hand sanctifier?

Number R

Setting: Sister J and friends are helping a toddler make cards for people.

Toddler: Can you draw the number R?
Sister J: Sure, but R is not a number..  It's an alphabet.
Friend: R is a letter.

English Patient: Hairy Words

Sister L: I have so many things to do...  I feel so hairy!

English Patient: Steph Curry and the Other Guy

English Patient: You know, it takes discipline to grow spiritually. Steph Curry didn't get so good overnight. And the other big guy on the other team, Bon Jovi, also practiced for many years. Lifegroup Members: Umm.. do you mean LeBron James?

Mad Taboo Skillz

Setting: A group of friends are playing Taboo, and the word was "Rodeo"

Brother J: Oh, that place where men sit on this animal, and the animal runs around everywhere, and the person tries not to fall off.

Brother W: What animal?

Brother J: The ones that are like cows.  They are strong.  The rider has to hold on very tight while the animal runs around everywhere!  The animal is trying to make the rider fall!

Brother W: I have no idea.

Brother J: [thinks for a moment]  The burger that all guys eat at Burger King.

Brother W: Rodeo.

Gracepoint Kids: Ethnicity

Setting: Two Gracepoint kids are having a conversation...

Kid 1: Hey, are you Korean or Spanish?

Kid 2: I'm English.

(Note: Kid 2 is not from England.)

Kettle Corn

Setting: A bunch of sisters are hanging around at the Longhorn Lodge in Gracepoint Austin Church...

Sister H: Hey, can you pass me that cattle corn?

U.S. Geography

During a conversation about US geography, one sister proudly exclaims, "Oh yeah!  I know all 54 states now!"