Disgracepoint from East Coast

With the new East Coast church plants happening, there's been a revival of submissions to disgracepoint.  I am thankful for the gift.  Here's a little something from Gracepoint DMV:

Email: Hi everyone, there is a little breakfast nuke area at the place, so you can bring a small table there for eating.

NOTE: By the way, this person is not talking about a microwave oven.

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English Patient: Self-Flagellation

Setting: Brother X talking about overly beating himself up... X: Ah man.. I'm so self-flatulating.